Thoughts of the week...2/1-2/7

Sunday: What exactly is MY sexual identity and how do I know this is it...how has it changed and how have I changed

Monday: How could this relationship evolve but also last a lifetime?

Tuesday: Fuck, {exasperated sigh} I need more hours in a day {grrr}

Wednesday: Last night was PERFECT...so much purity

Thursday: Drawing a BLANK! Perhaps I should have updated each day after each day lol...told ya, I need more hours in a day :)...I typed the previous statement then went to my reflection on Sunday in depth, then I recalled what it was like for me on Thursday lol. So here it goes: Should I call him? I think I want to. Why tho? Hmmmmm, I'm not going to call.

Friday: I love my friends :)

Saturday: PRODUCTIVITY!

On Sunday I will elaborate more and reflect on each individual day. But every moment happens exactly how it's supposed to happen so the next moment can happen exactly how it's supposed to happen :)

It's now Wednesday of the next week (did that make sense?). Any who, Sunday I went to my MA meeting and the topic was sexual identity. That got me thinking about where I am in life and how I came to arrive at this current moment where I have an interest in a girl. Is it my resentment for my father or the fact that I have never really received what I have given to guys (unconditional love, commitment, and stability) from a guy or is it my surroundings (most of my closets friends/family are gay/lesbian/homosexual or curious/quesioning). I have always grown to like those closest to me, maybe that's it. But then again before I got to know her I was intrigued so again I'm back to how did I arrive at this current moment, where my interest is no longer on the specie I've known since 13 years old. Now these thoughts and events produced my thought on Monday. I feel like my ambitions and hers go in 2 different directions. I did the long distance dating, it was great but it's not something that I want to do again. Flying every few months, juggling two separate lives (one at school and another when you're sharing space), and etc. There are benefits to long distance relationships that in non long distance relationships it may take years to see. I learned to truly love (love without the false sense of security) and to cherish the time spent...Now having spent an entire day on that I couldn't focus on anything so Tuesday I was playing catch up...and that is never fun! Have you ever had a friend that you could talk to them about any and everything and never think about the time, being tired/sleepy, or get bored? Conversation just flows, we never run out of things to talk about. I learned so much about a number of things from an all night (not really but really) conversation with my friend. In that conversation, like most conversations that are relevant, my last relationship came up. Then on Thursday I felt the need to call my ex, something that often happens to me. Usually I would give into the urge because for him, my calling or being "present" in his life gave him a sense of security but I thought to myself, "doesn't that give him a false sense of security?" So I stopped myself before I could call. I didn't want to call him because I missed him and the close friendship we had or because I was worried about him or his health. I wanted to call because I was nervous about my future and wanted a safety net (the love I shared with him to remain as in tact as possible). From all of this I was a little down but Friday I went out with my friends and had a good time, like always. My friends are a rare group of individuals. Sarcastic yet nice jackasses! Very accepting and understanding people. I love them :). They almost always bring my spirits up. The good night I had on Friday spilled over into Saturday and I woke up and got started on homework, cleaning, and finishing up my puzzle. I mingled with some of my residents and even got to take a nap (check me out lol). Then Sunday was here and I recieved a text from my ex, he wanted to let me know that he loved me...ironic how a few days earlier I felt like I should let him know (indirectly) that I still cared and decided not to because I felt like he knows (or at least he should know) that I love him and he let me know (just my interpretation) because I was the one that wasn't given the clear picture of what those two years produced. So, all in all, everything happens for a reason and that reason is so that the next moment/event can happen exactly the way that it is supposed to happen. Every moment is dependent on the previous moments.