FYI

People tell me that I'm this or that and that I really shouldn't be those ways but at the end of the day I do the things I do, react the way that I react, and etc because people are truly full of shit. I don't trust people because people aren't trustworthy. People come with a lot of "but". For example, _______ (insert name) is really sweet but their ________ (insert contradicting quality here).

Old Honesty box reply

I was asked why views on marriage are the way they are:

"Well once I moved on from Donte I was never really sure about marriage after that. I questioned my entire existence. I questioned whether what I wanted was truly what I wanted or what he wanted. W/o him I didn't know anything, didn't want anything. That's why I feel so strongly about people being so dependent on their partners. I have been there and reality is it may not last forever. So when it's over you still have to have yourself. Finally, I have my own views and opinions which is why I am so big on someone accepting me for me and not changing for anyone, except myself.

I feel like marriage is just like other titles people put on relationships...a bunch of bullshit unless your mind is there and your words and action are in accordance. People are married but have affairs and etc so what does the piece of paper really mean? If I ever do decide to get married it will be a business decision to do so-so me and my family can have security. The person however will be someone I love very much, have learned to live with, and can see myself building a family with.

I honestly don't want to bring children into the mix if I'm not married or with someone I am committed to spending the rest of my life with. I honestly feel like two people raising a family have a hell of a lot better chance at the kids experiencing more positive experiences than just one person.

When I got with Ahryn I was happy with the going with the flow, traveling, more fun little drama, and then I got serious and started thinking about my future. Fun and going with the flow was fun but at the end of the day I realized that I was headed to a place where I needed stability and someone who was headed toward spending a great deal of their life with me.

At the end of the day I feel that marriage and children don't guarantee a relationship. The two people in it do. Either you want to make the choice to spend your life with someone or you make the choice not to.

I watched so many people in my life settle for what society tells them is happiness. Well I determine my happiness..."

The other day...

You ever have one of those moments where you realized foreal foreal that you were over something or that all these things that people consistently said that you weren't over, you were in fact over? I had one of those moments last night.

I'm happy to say that regardless of what outside people think, I wanna be with the young woman that I'm with NOT the guy I was with a year ago.

Live, Love, Trust

Frustration

I'm really frustrated. I'm one of those people who works really hard at the things that I pursue. Attending a traditionally white institution has taught me very valuable but fucked up things about the world that we live in. 

My good friend Cyrus wrote an article about the definition of the term racist. Interesting, I know right? Yes it was very interesting. He pointed out that he himself is a racist by his definition, which is that anyone who doesn't actively fight against injustices and fight for equal treatment of people (generally minorities) is indeed a racist. That definition (in my mind) incorporates majority being racist towards minorities, minorities being racist towards the majority, and minorities being racist toward minorities. In response to this eloquent article people chose to talk about religion and our bi-racial president! What the fuck does racism have to do with the President of the United States (America elected unlike George Bush who cheated his way to the fucking seat!) and religion? Someone please tell me why people come to college and want to remain ignorant or closed-minded. I really need to know. 

I need someone to tell me why the people who think that they are adhering to nondiscrimination clauses THINK that they truly are when in fact they aren't. I have done many things on this campus that are positive and scholarly. I give 110% of professionalism and effort but I have yet to be promoted or even considered for a higher position in any of my jobs. Granted these are nine to five jobs as desk workers or student assistant positions BUT is this what I have to look forward to when I go into my career? Am I going to be the BEST apple out of the bunch and get looked over because I'm a woman that is Black? Am I going to be in and out of the Affirmative Action office because someone has said or done something offensive towards me? If so that's the BIGGEST load of shit I have ever heard in my life. 

It hurts me to think that even the people that I have a great deal of respect for are people who fit either situation. Everyone thinks I'm cold or whatever because I feel as though I don't need people. But that's my truth. I don't need anyone. Yes I prefer to have people in my life but sometimes people are expendable (in a sense) just like objects and other things. They can be just as deadly and toxic as smoking, drinking, or doing drugs. I was born in a  singular birth and when I am laid to rest I will rest the same way. There will be no husband or wife beside me. When I go I'm going alone which is how I think it should be.

NOTE: This is raw emotion. The emotion in a specific point in time. There was no editing or proofreading just me putting all I had in a word document. Enjoy.

Sincerely,

Kindness

Just maybe

Get to know me: If you got to know me you would see what people who have known me for nine years or more can see. See that as much as I am bitchy, mean, spoiled, stubborn and prideful I am genuine, giving, sweet, and loyal three times over. If you knew me you'd know that I don't say things out of spite or out having extreme pride. I say what I say because that's what I mean and no I don't tend to elaborate on things but that isn't an open for you to speculate. If you knew me you'd know that I am open to communication about the things that I express. Yes I expect for people to understand me the first time but I am well aware that people don't which is why I am open to communicate about the ideas that I express. It is not up to me, the person with the brick walls up as guards, to break down those walls. If you cared enough you would pull for more information. It's a test of the strong not the weak. You either want to understand me or you don't either way I am going to live and be well. Relying on your intuition to tell you things about me is absurd; they're your instincts they only tell you what you already want to believe about a given situation. Relying on others to tell you things about me is ridiculous, no one is the best teacher or ALL things Kayana but ME.

New Trials and Tribulations

When I first began dating, I was never that girl to rule out girls as mates because of the stigma that comes with homosexuality and bisexuality. But I did always say that for me sex with a girl would not be something I would struggle with it would be dealing with another girl in a relationship. I knew that they both existed and that I was intrigued by other girls. At the same time I loved boys...always had one. And when I didn't have one I was getting over that one so I could be ready for the next one.

I clearly know that I am a very difficult person to deal with as a girl. I'm spoiled, I can be needy, I can have the most unpleasant attitude, and I can get very emotional. I knew early on that all of that was not something that I wanted to deal with. Then I met my girlfriend. She was so sweet and everything that I never thought another girl could never be for me: Smart, accepting, non-judgmental, gorgeous and... The first girl to ever make me rethink my previous thoughts about relationships with girls. Because I reconsidered my assumption I figured why not take the chance to see where this might lead me exactly. Maybe I could in fact be in a relationship with a woman and be happy or maybe from this I would learn that another woman couldn't make me happy. Either way I went, it was a win win for me.

Well I am about about a month or two into my relationship and things are kinda hard for me. I don't know if it's myself preventing me from progressing or if this is just something that I truly don't have the capacity to fulfill.

I am no stranger to giving up on relationships and people when things aren't what I have in my mind as being "right". Because of this I have feelings of sadness when I think about someone I dated a few years ago. Recognizing this I try to go into my relationships with a certain attitude and state of mind. I give my all, go in full force, and I am determined to be "successful" so that when it's over and the dust settles I know I made the most out of the relationship.

A few days ago I was there, at the point where I was ready to walk away. Things were not where I wanted them to be and they didn't look like they were getting any better. Then I rethought about everything and the things I could do to contribute to better our relationship and came up with a few things to try and make a more conscious effort to make our relationship work.

We will see how things go and progress...and evolve. But hopefully we can get it together because I really want to take this as far as it can go.

Full Force

I can't predict the future. I can't promise I'm going to feel one way or another. All I can promise is that in this moment I'm here, with both feet in. I have nothing to lose only things to gain.