New Trials and Tribulations

When I first began dating, I was never that girl to rule out girls as mates because of the stigma that comes with homosexuality and bisexuality. But I did always say that for me sex with a girl would not be something I would struggle with it would be dealing with another girl in a relationship. I knew that they both existed and that I was intrigued by other girls. At the same time I loved boys...always had one. And when I didn't have one I was getting over that one so I could be ready for the next one.

I clearly know that I am a very difficult person to deal with as a girl. I'm spoiled, I can be needy, I can have the most unpleasant attitude, and I can get very emotional. I knew early on that all of that was not something that I wanted to deal with. Then I met my girlfriend. She was so sweet and everything that I never thought another girl could never be for me: Smart, accepting, non-judgmental, gorgeous and... The first girl to ever make me rethink my previous thoughts about relationships with girls. Because I reconsidered my assumption I figured why not take the chance to see where this might lead me exactly. Maybe I could in fact be in a relationship with a woman and be happy or maybe from this I would learn that another woman couldn't make me happy. Either way I went, it was a win win for me.

Well I am about about a month or two into my relationship and things are kinda hard for me. I don't know if it's myself preventing me from progressing or if this is just something that I truly don't have the capacity to fulfill.

I am no stranger to giving up on relationships and people when things aren't what I have in my mind as being "right". Because of this I have feelings of sadness when I think about someone I dated a few years ago. Recognizing this I try to go into my relationships with a certain attitude and state of mind. I give my all, go in full force, and I am determined to be "successful" so that when it's over and the dust settles I know I made the most out of the relationship.

A few days ago I was there, at the point where I was ready to walk away. Things were not where I wanted them to be and they didn't look like they were getting any better. Then I rethought about everything and the things I could do to contribute to better our relationship and came up with a few things to try and make a more conscious effort to make our relationship work.

We will see how things go and progress...and evolve. But hopefully we can get it together because I really want to take this as far as it can go.

Full Force

I can't predict the future. I can't promise I'm going to feel one way or another. All I can promise is that in this moment I'm here, with both feet in. I have nothing to lose only things to gain.

I just wanna be successful

When I say I wanna be successful I mean successful in my current relationship. Success defined by growth as people, learning something new about ourselves as individuals, and a friendship that will last forever whether we are together forever or just for the moment. A relationship full of love, trust, and enjoying each others mind, body and soul.

It's kinda difficult to have all of that when the person you're with is too independent. When they can't open up and trust you with their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Too independent to collaborate with you in decision makings. Independence is an awesome thing. I don't want a partner who is incapable of having some sort of independence nor do I want someone who lacks the ability to depend on me.

Everybody has their hang ups, insecurities, and secrets but why take a half chance at love? Why enter into something with someone and remain guarded?