Quick Udpate

I finally feel at peace with the change in my relationship with him. We aren't beefed out but we don't talk. I'm very comfortable with that. I realized I never really had time for that relationship to begin with but I made time and sacrificed time for other things and people because I wanted that relationship to work. When I still wanted that but the rules had changed I struggled with finding a comfortable place because things had gone from one extreme to the next. I had a dream about him being happy in another relationship. Surprisingly there was no jealousy, anger, regret, or even sadness. I was happy for him, he had found everything he wanted in a woman. I took a look at the situation, while still in the situation, and examined if I was being a false self or did I genuinely feel happy for him and what I so wanted him to find in me he had found in someone else (Dooley, I understood something from class lol). And I was. Just like that. It took a few months and a dream to put things into perspective for me. But I got it now! Now that my desires have changed so has everything else. One of my closets friends bought me something really awesome for Christmas, and for it to be the only tangible and positive thing I got for Christmas made it even more awesome. I received 2 journals, 2 cards, and 2 pens (really nice writing ones). My favorite of the 2 journals was one that has quotes from very infamous writers and very beautiful words to inspire me to write freely and uninhibited. It's beautiful and it was a very genuine gesture that I so deeply appreciate more than she will ever know :)

Tip Toe

No go on ambiguity but we tip the scale on whether or not to kiss me. Sounds rather confusing. I'm angry because I feel like your playing me, on both sides of the fence I see. Want to stay in control instead of trusting me. Maybe I'm too cocky I'm not trustworthy {???}. Guess we will never know because I'm letting go. Thanks

Signed
TFK

Decesions.Choices.Decesions

She broke things off long before the words ever left her lips/It's over/The words echo in her thoughts/The conversation replays/Over/Over/Over/Her pride is amazing/Jealousy flaring/Instantly, when she hears or reads things the wheels in her head turn and doubt everything/She makes the two years into a high school game he just entertained, only to become an adolescent memory/She digs deep to bury that insecurity/Defense mechanism: hurt him like he hurt she/Bring the same pain, tell him about her New Years Eve/Innocent kiss at midnight while watching a movie/Held hands like nobody was there to see/Let's go back to Thanksgiving week/Kissed all night didn't get any sleep/She holds her tongue, bites her words, swallow deep/Would hate to be the cause of pain so deep/Like the dream he had where under his nose with his friend she creeps/Choices: I choose to be the bigger person and let Karma hurt you like you hurt me.

Beautiful Disaster: everything is finished exactly how it was started

Negative adjectives for my behavior and negative emotions as a reaction to the brutally honest emotion evoked in you. Thousands taking over my eyes, I only see. Jealousy. Sadness. Pride. Sarcasm. Anger. Regret. Etc. Etc. As a result I feel like the biggest asshole. I can only offer you what my abilities allow me to give to any love interest who pursues me. I cried because I thought I was doing the right things. Being honest and open to other possibilities: friendship on fire or a friendship with endless possibilities. I must have made a wrong turn somewhere because now You and I mirror Him and Me: this ambiguous, confusing, one-sided,he wins I always lose-I as Him and You as Me. I give eighty he gives me twenty. Never set out to make you into who I used to be: a girl stuck between a rock and a hard place, keep loving him or leave. The damage is done now I lay here wondering, what comes after an apology???? My pride says "fuck it, let you be". I was vulnerable and u pratically dismissed me. I don't take that shit lightly. You said whatever but IDK what that means {???} My inner me bleeds, negative emotions taking over me: Anger. Disappointment. Vindictiveness makes me want to say spiteful things. I bite my tongue, something foreign to me. Wish you would have handled the situation differently. Took into consideration everything. Not just your ego, your heart, and your pride but other things: Prior conversations, what you know about me. You know more logical, less emotional things. My expectations were high I really expected things to go rather differently. Hate to say it but I was proven right and now we just wait and see: what happens to the beautiful ambiguous thing I like to call a relationship with little boundaries-sounds like a non-relationship to me {???}. Is this the same circle circled with me and my Vegas dream- I say I'm done and in a matter of time I'm back chasing a one-sided dream? Have I become the conartist known as He? I'm being the biggest person, please accept this apology...

Everything I always wanted in a boy:

Sweet as honey with just enough toughness to make getting my way a challenge/willing to spend to satisfy my every need or desire/Giving of time, love, affection & resources/Intense passion & ongoing chemistry/ Power over him with one touch, one kiss, one embrace/A love of travel to offer excitement and first time experiences/Someone who is more driven to build something lifelong with me than the instant gratification of sex with no commitment/He has his own style, doesn't fit in a box/ Makes me laugh and smile/His sole purpose , to make me happy first which in turn pleases himself/He's hard to describe and so is what he provides/Easy to love and hard to let go of/He's apart of me/Irreversible spell on me/One look at us and everyone can see/our perfectly imperfect love-hate/I love him because he loves me more than I love me/Some things I never recieved from a He/More of a reason to be optpmistic about She, who has and gives me all the things I want but never found or recieved in entirety from a He.

Nameless Emotion

No jealousy or envy because she can never be me nor provide for you what I can.
But anytime you're with her I get negative feelings.
Can't describe what you do to me...
Our first kissed shared one day,
The next day you're kissing her to see,
That what you feel is what you're really feeling.
Can't put a face to a name of the emotion that flew through me once you told me.
Maybe it's my trust thing.
I feel like the pot calling the kettle black, considering,
I hold in my heart someone elses keys
And I have my eye on this guy, my Vegas prize.
I'm selfish you know it's a Scorpio/Kayana thing.
I shut down when I hear specific things
So again I think it's my trust thing.

Love, Sex, & ME

Sternberg's Triangle Theory of Love:

The intimacy component refers to the close, bonded feelings that exist within loving relationships, the passion component refers to the drives that lead to physical attraction and sexual acts, and the decision/commitment component refers to the decision to love someone and to maintain that love. By combining these 3 components, Sternberg came up with 8 types of loving. These types are listed in the table below, along with a checklist of the 3 components that make up each type.

Nonlove refers to the absence of all three components. Liking occurs when we just have intimacy, such as in friendships. Infatuation occurs when we only have passion, such as in love at first sight. This type appears quickly and disappears almost as fast. Empty love occurs when we only have commitment, and is often the residual love that remains once the other types have faded. Romantic love, on the other hand, is the combination of intimacy and passion. In this way, it involves both liking and physical desire for the other person. Companionate love is a combination of commitment and intimacy, and often occurs in the later stages of a relationship after the passion has faded. Fatuous love is a combination of passion and commitment, therefore lacking intimacy. Finally, consumate love is a combination of all three components. This is our society's ideal type of love, because it involves close friendship, physical urges, and a strong commitment.

My Thoughts:
Pleasing me might seem easy but I'm complicatedly complex, easy to know but hard to understand/Actively seeking unconditional love , like the third type from Sternberg's Triangle Theory of Love/Not the hit and quit it I lust you, I love you but don't trust you type of love/Sexiness comes in all colors, shapes, and beings but I love the brown skin, slim yet muscular physique and intriguing beauty scars that make him or her unique/Energy off the charts, I dig that orgasmic chemistry/X-ray my heart and you find the silhouette of a person, lots of ambiguity/Usually a male is who'd you see, times have changed now who knows who you'd see/All the hype about being placed in a box fuck conformity/Love me or hate me, but respect me and don't label me.